Episode 14: How to Handle Conflict (Part 2)
Parenting Fail Segment
Manderson - don’t really have one
Stout - Said something dumb to my wife
Bevil - Quality Time Lacking
Topic of the Week: Responding to Conflict
Brad Kirk Inspired from FB http://bit.ly/1qEahmQ
How do you deal with conflict?
Stout: I use the book by Brene Brown called Rising Strong as a template for dealing with conflict. She has some steps for dealing with conflict that I loved, and I’ll talk about that a bit. I’m going to have to refresh myself on the book, though. It’s kind of pop psychology-talk, but the concepts underneath it have helped me a lot, and might can give us a framework for the discussion. The first step is to have the self-control to be upset in the conflict without ruining our relationships. Get away and get some space if you can.
The Reckoning - being honest about the conflict from our point of view. Finding a way to express how we think about the conflict and the people without editing or censoring. She calls it a ‘shitty first draft’ of the story from our perspective. It’s important to be honest and not pull any punches.
The Rumble - this gives us time and space to start getting curious about our own story. Ask hard questions about our shitty first draft. Why did I feel that way? What could have caused them to do that? What’s been going on in the other person’s life that makes them act that way? What could I have done differently? Try as hard and as honestly as you can to find the answers to those questions.
The Revolution - Re-approach the person you’re in conflict with armed with a fresh understanding and ask them questions hoping to understand them as much as possible. Try to approach the situation again with fresh eyes and empathy.
Bevil: Dealing with Conflict
- Responding vs. Reacting
- Drama Triangle: Each person responsible for their own
- Abraham Lincoln - “I seek to make my enemy my friend.”
- Miroslav Volf: We define ourselves by the other always.
- Focus on Point Made, not Person (But this is what we’re working on, right?)
- 3 Parts of Process (Focused on Context)
- Who said it?
- Stranger: shouldn’t affect us as much, but take into account their point
- Known Person: Affects us more, but why are they saying it? For us or not
- Close to Us: Affects us the most! Unresolved issue or really care about us
- Where are they?
- Emotionally - Rooted Conference: woman who was hurting
- Spiritually - Over Spiritual, Pharisees care more about being right than learning. Brian McLaren Asbury Story
- Where am I?
- Emotionally - Baggage? Mature?
- Spiritually - Am I teachable?
- Who said it?
- Response doesn’t need to be immediate, but it needs to happen.
Parenting Win Segment
Manderson - yesterday with the Boys. Pamm was gone but we played outside, roughhoused and went on a walk. Met some of our neighbors.
Stout - Sweet time with my youth group when they threw me a going away party
Bevil - Morning Walk with Lola & the Girls